Why I Still Believe

I saw a headline in the news the other day that read something like this: "California Mormons angry at their Church over stand on Gay Marriage." One man was quoted as saying, "I thought I could be a cultural Mormon, but it's obvious that I can't. I'm sending a letter to church headquarters to have my name removed from the records of the church." Another person was quoted as saying, "The church has no right to force it's morals on the state constitution." Apparently the church's stand against same sex marriage has gotten some members of the church upset. They just can't understand how the church that normally stays politically neutral could take a stand that they feel hurts their gay loved ones. For them, this action is the last straw and they want nothing more to do with the church. The older I get the more I notice this happening and it makes me sad.


Over my lifetime, I have seen people leave the church for some of the following reasons: (This is a partial list.)

1. Being offended by something someone said or how they were treated at church.
2. Difficulty with church doctrines or former church practices.
3. The inability to believe in the prophetic calling of Joseph Smith.
4. Dissatisfaction with the perceived role of women in the church.
5. Focusing too much on one special doctrine instead of maintaining a healthy balance.
6. Dissatisfaction with local leaders and how they perform their callings.
7. Proud intellectualism denying the need for God.
8. The desire to be popular in the eyes of the world.
9. Placing too much importance on material possessions.
10. Believing that one is more qualified or chosen to be the true leader of the church than the one that holds the calling.

I could go on and on because the stated reasons are endless and unique to each individual who decides not to believe. The truth of the matter however, really comes down to desire. People want to believe or they don't. If they don't want to believe they can enumerate many reasons why not similar to the ones previously stated. It's easy for us to find these kinds of reasons because life is full of negative experiences and it's not hard to find one that can be used to justify the point.

In our journey on this earth we are all looking for validation, love and fulfillment. Sometimes those immediate needs seem to be more easily satisfied outside the church. It's easier to get some of our emotional needs filled via succeeding in our careers, academic achievements, or through the accumulation of wealth than it is to find the peace and fulfillment that may come through our church experience. Finding that peace within the church requires something different in our beings. It requires something that is hard for us to do. That is the ability to forget our own concerns and place Heavenly Father first despite all the injustices and contradictions we may experience here. We have to be truly willing to say "nevertheless, not my will, but thine be done." Therein lies the rub to many. That's the true reason why so many leave or abandon faith altogether. Who wants to submit one's will to a higher power? Who wants someone else to tell them what to do? We know better. Right? Are we really willing to "give away all my sins to know thee" like the Lamanite King from the Book of Mormon? Perhaps we love our sins too much or think too highly of our own wisdom.

I must confess that I have been pushed and pulled by many of these feelings at different times in my life. I certainly have been offended at church. Haven't we all? I have felt unused and under appreciated at church. I have had serious problems supporting my leaders at times. I have wondered and been bothered by doctrines that I have not immediately understood. I have even felt that Heavenly Father has left me alone at times in my life. I can tell you that I have been pushed to the brink with regards to my testimony and that it came to that point because of my very painful experiences in the church. Does that surprise you? Perhaps not.

So why do I still cling to my belief? Why do I keep going and taking my family every week? Why do I keep paying my tithing?

I can give my answer in two parts. One is that I have come to realize that those things happen and those feelings exist as part of the carefully designed condition that we all live in called mortal life. Down here, everything is designed to be a challenge. Why? To grow and develop us. Once, during a difficult period, I recall crying out inside my heart to Heavenly Father. "Why does it have to be like this?" The Lord must have known that I needed some help at that time because I heard His reply in my mind. "To stretch you." That may not be the answer I wanted to hear, but I believe it was true. He envisions more for us than what we do for ourselves and the only way to get us there is to allow us to have trials.

Growing can be painful. We weren't born with a perfect knowledge of anything so we have to develop our faith a little bit at a time. There are numerous challenges to our faith throughout our lives. Like I tell my kids, "I'm not raising you to be weak. I'm raising you to be strong." I think that's what the Lord is saying to us when we have those very difficult challenges.

The other part of why I still believe has to do with my growing knowledge about the Holy Ghost. The truth is that he is with us more than I ever realized before. My mind became illuminated recently while reading a new book: Learning to Hear the Voice of the Lord by Gerald Lund a member of the Seventy.

I was walking in the University Mall in Orem a couple of months back between business appointments. I stopped by the Deseret Book Store and happened upon the aforementioned book. Normally books like this don't interest me. I always figured that I can study the scriptures for myself and don't need someone else to walk me through them. Proud attitude. Right? Well something about this book grabbed my interest and I felt something inside as well. I went ahead and purchased the book.

What I came to realize is that Heavenly Father has never left me during my life. He has always been with me. No matter what my challenges have been, things have always worked out for the best. That is not a coincidence. He's been talking to me all my life. I just never realized. Now that I look back at all the events that have happened, I see the hand of the Lord. I am much more content now because I have faith that Heavenly Father is guiding my path. "Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path." After realizing this fact, I am brought to the remembrance that the Lord really does love me, that each time I feel the spirit it is a demonstration of his love. Should I not feel successful now having that understanding? What is more, the feeling of the spirit is sweet and beautiful and if I can feel it on a weekly or daily basis then I know for sure that Heavenly Father loves me and is forgiving me of my sins. I can feel peace, happiness and joy in my life. It has nothing to do with my success at work, or my worldly accomplishments. It doesn't even have to do with my temporal circumstances. The spirit transcends those things.


Brigham Young said this:


"There is no doubt, if a person lives according to the revelations given to God's people, he may have the Spirit of the Lord to signify to him His will, and to guide and to direct him in the discharge of his duties, in his temporal as well as his spiritual exercises. I am satisfied, however, that in this respect, we live far beneath our privileges."


I believe that what happens to many of us is that we forget what we have. A negative experience happens perhaps, and it is so painful that we begin to turn off our hearing. We put a stop to receiving the sacred communication that comes from above. We change the channel either because we are hurt or we think we can find easier satisfaction in the world that doesn't require that we yield up our will.

The sad thing is that we don't realize that yielding up our will leads to an even greater portion of the Holy Spirit. It is that very Spirit that gives us greater peace, happiness, and joy in our lives than anything else we can possibly think of. In order to be truly happy on this earth, we should do everything that we can to prepare ourselves to feel that Spirit and ask for it on a daily basis. D&C 112: 13 states the following promise: "And after their temptations, and much tribulation, behold, I the Lord, will feel after them, and if they harden not their hearts, and stiffen not their necks against me, they shall be converted, and I will heal them."


In this verse, the Lord acknowledges that we will have temptations and tribulations. He knows that we will be wounded from painful experience. That is part of mortality. But if we harden not our hearts and stiffen not our necks against him, we will be healed and be able to experience greater joy than we ever thought possible.


I can say that this promise has been fulfilled in my life. Some of you may know that my mission experience was extremely difficult for me. It was during that time period that I experienced some of the most disturbing contradictions and injustices of my life. It was a time that I had prepared all my young life for and I was devastated by the disillusioning things I experienced. When I returned home, my heart had already begun to harden. I was so hurt and angry over the circumstances over which I had no control that I began to reject the spirit that had so bountifully fed me over my lifetime. I was bitter and could not understand why the Lord had placed me in a situation that was so blatantly unfair and nonspiritual. I was angry over who the brethren had placed as my leaders and what I considered to be their thoughtlessness, pride, and incompetence. I was also angry over my still suffering health conditions and the lack of relief that I felt I received from the Lord on this. It's hard when you go for so long trying to be so good and yet the results of those efforts seem to yield so little and most of the time you are suffering from physical and emotional pain. It's during times like these that you feel that your spirit is going to break and you feel like you are on the brink of falling into sin and despair. I know how that feels. I have been there. I can assure you that I haven't just skipped through life walking on rose petals and puffy white clouds.



When I came home I was definitely wounded but I hadn't been completely destroyed. There was still a belief in my heart and a hope that in time my experiences would come to make sense to me. I continued to attend church even though I was angry and little by little that anger began to abate. Healing did not come all at once for me and it took several years for me to completely heal the bitterness in my heart but it did finally come.



Had I decided to throw away my testimony because of what I had experienced I would still be bitter today, over twenty years later. I would still be harboring anger towards Heavenly Father and His church here on the earth. How can anyone truly be happy with anger festering? That's why Heavenly Father asks us to forgive and let Him be the judge. Though it may be extremely difficult to let go of our anger, we must do so. If we don't, we will never be able to experience the happiness the our Father desires that we experience here on earth. We will always be cankered and damaged inside. If we truly turn our anger over to God he will lift our burdens and heal us. That type of healing is priceless and allows us to experience the incredible joy and happiness that comes when we have companionship with the Holy Ghost.



I have noticed that the older I get and the more I learn about these things, the happier my life has become. I now have a life free of the bitterness that has threatened me in the past on more than one occasion. I am able to find true joy in my family and friends. I'm able to see my children grow beautiful and strong and my heart leaps when I see their progress. I am able to feel the spirit in my life and that has made my existence meaningful and enriched in every way. I can truly say that I am happy now. I don't envy what I don't have and I am grateful for all the incredible blessings I have received. Every day has become beautiful in its own way and I don't worry that Heavenly Father will leave me or that I will experience a trial that I can't handle. I have truly been changed inside and I look for the good now.



In conclusion I say this: If you are at a place where I was and you feel that your heart will break or that you no longer need the Lord because you are so smart and don't need him, I implore you. Think again. You have no idea what you will be missing if you choose to ignore the spirit. There is nothing you can do to make up in any way what the Lord has prepared for you. You cannot make it up with anything of this world and you will always be searching for satisfaction and you will never completely have it. You may become rich or famous or distinguished, but I will never envy you because I have been where you are in your mind and I have thought about what you are thinking about. I know and have tasted what the Lord has prepared for you and me and I will never give it up now. I hope you won't either. It's my hope that you and I continue together as friends and brothers and sisters in the gospel and experience together the incredible blessings that our mutual Father has for us.



Sincerely,



Your Friend and Brother