Why I Still Believe

I saw a headline in the news the other day that read something like this: "California Mormons angry at their Church over stand on Gay Marriage." One man was quoted as saying, "I thought I could be a cultural Mormon, but it's obvious that I can't. I'm sending a letter to church headquarters to have my name removed from the records of the church." Another person was quoted as saying, "The church has no right to force it's morals on the state constitution." Apparently the church's stand against same sex marriage has gotten some members of the church upset. They just can't understand how the church that normally stays politically neutral could take a stand that they feel hurts their gay loved ones. For them, this action is the last straw and they want nothing more to do with the church. The older I get the more I notice this happening and it makes me sad.


Over my lifetime, I have seen people leave the church for some of the following reasons: (This is a partial list.)

1. Being offended by something someone said or how they were treated at church.
2. Difficulty with church doctrines or former church practices.
3. The inability to believe in the prophetic calling of Joseph Smith.
4. Dissatisfaction with the perceived role of women in the church.
5. Focusing too much on one special doctrine instead of maintaining a healthy balance.
6. Dissatisfaction with local leaders and how they perform their callings.
7. Proud intellectualism denying the need for God.
8. The desire to be popular in the eyes of the world.
9. Placing too much importance on material possessions.
10. Believing that one is more qualified or chosen to be the true leader of the church than the one that holds the calling.

I could go on and on because the stated reasons are endless and unique to each individual who decides not to believe. The truth of the matter however, really comes down to desire. People want to believe or they don't. If they don't want to believe they can enumerate many reasons why not similar to the ones previously stated. It's easy for us to find these kinds of reasons because life is full of negative experiences and it's not hard to find one that can be used to justify the point.

In our journey on this earth we are all looking for validation, love and fulfillment. Sometimes those immediate needs seem to be more easily satisfied outside the church. It's easier to get some of our emotional needs filled via succeeding in our careers, academic achievements, or through the accumulation of wealth than it is to find the peace and fulfillment that may come through our church experience. Finding that peace within the church requires something different in our beings. It requires something that is hard for us to do. That is the ability to forget our own concerns and place Heavenly Father first despite all the injustices and contradictions we may experience here. We have to be truly willing to say "nevertheless, not my will, but thine be done." Therein lies the rub to many. That's the true reason why so many leave or abandon faith altogether. Who wants to submit one's will to a higher power? Who wants someone else to tell them what to do? We know better. Right? Are we really willing to "give away all my sins to know thee" like the Lamanite King from the Book of Mormon? Perhaps we love our sins too much or think too highly of our own wisdom.

I must confess that I have been pushed and pulled by many of these feelings at different times in my life. I certainly have been offended at church. Haven't we all? I have felt unused and under appreciated at church. I have had serious problems supporting my leaders at times. I have wondered and been bothered by doctrines that I have not immediately understood. I have even felt that Heavenly Father has left me alone at times in my life. I can tell you that I have been pushed to the brink with regards to my testimony and that it came to that point because of my very painful experiences in the church. Does that surprise you? Perhaps not.

So why do I still cling to my belief? Why do I keep going and taking my family every week? Why do I keep paying my tithing?

I can give my answer in two parts. One is that I have come to realize that those things happen and those feelings exist as part of the carefully designed condition that we all live in called mortal life. Down here, everything is designed to be a challenge. Why? To grow and develop us. Once, during a difficult period, I recall crying out inside my heart to Heavenly Father. "Why does it have to be like this?" The Lord must have known that I needed some help at that time because I heard His reply in my mind. "To stretch you." That may not be the answer I wanted to hear, but I believe it was true. He envisions more for us than what we do for ourselves and the only way to get us there is to allow us to have trials.

Growing can be painful. We weren't born with a perfect knowledge of anything so we have to develop our faith a little bit at a time. There are numerous challenges to our faith throughout our lives. Like I tell my kids, "I'm not raising you to be weak. I'm raising you to be strong." I think that's what the Lord is saying to us when we have those very difficult challenges.

The other part of why I still believe has to do with my growing knowledge about the Holy Ghost. The truth is that he is with us more than I ever realized before. My mind became illuminated recently while reading a new book: Learning to Hear the Voice of the Lord by Gerald Lund a member of the Seventy.

I was walking in the University Mall in Orem a couple of months back between business appointments. I stopped by the Deseret Book Store and happened upon the aforementioned book. Normally books like this don't interest me. I always figured that I can study the scriptures for myself and don't need someone else to walk me through them. Proud attitude. Right? Well something about this book grabbed my interest and I felt something inside as well. I went ahead and purchased the book.

What I came to realize is that Heavenly Father has never left me during my life. He has always been with me. No matter what my challenges have been, things have always worked out for the best. That is not a coincidence. He's been talking to me all my life. I just never realized. Now that I look back at all the events that have happened, I see the hand of the Lord. I am much more content now because I have faith that Heavenly Father is guiding my path. "Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path." After realizing this fact, I am brought to the remembrance that the Lord really does love me, that each time I feel the spirit it is a demonstration of his love. Should I not feel successful now having that understanding? What is more, the feeling of the spirit is sweet and beautiful and if I can feel it on a weekly or daily basis then I know for sure that Heavenly Father loves me and is forgiving me of my sins. I can feel peace, happiness and joy in my life. It has nothing to do with my success at work, or my worldly accomplishments. It doesn't even have to do with my temporal circumstances. The spirit transcends those things.


Brigham Young said this:


"There is no doubt, if a person lives according to the revelations given to God's people, he may have the Spirit of the Lord to signify to him His will, and to guide and to direct him in the discharge of his duties, in his temporal as well as his spiritual exercises. I am satisfied, however, that in this respect, we live far beneath our privileges."


I believe that what happens to many of us is that we forget what we have. A negative experience happens perhaps, and it is so painful that we begin to turn off our hearing. We put a stop to receiving the sacred communication that comes from above. We change the channel either because we are hurt or we think we can find easier satisfaction in the world that doesn't require that we yield up our will.

The sad thing is that we don't realize that yielding up our will leads to an even greater portion of the Holy Spirit. It is that very Spirit that gives us greater peace, happiness, and joy in our lives than anything else we can possibly think of. In order to be truly happy on this earth, we should do everything that we can to prepare ourselves to feel that Spirit and ask for it on a daily basis. D&C 112: 13 states the following promise: "And after their temptations, and much tribulation, behold, I the Lord, will feel after them, and if they harden not their hearts, and stiffen not their necks against me, they shall be converted, and I will heal them."


In this verse, the Lord acknowledges that we will have temptations and tribulations. He knows that we will be wounded from painful experience. That is part of mortality. But if we harden not our hearts and stiffen not our necks against him, we will be healed and be able to experience greater joy than we ever thought possible.


I can say that this promise has been fulfilled in my life. Some of you may know that my mission experience was extremely difficult for me. It was during that time period that I experienced some of the most disturbing contradictions and injustices of my life. It was a time that I had prepared all my young life for and I was devastated by the disillusioning things I experienced. When I returned home, my heart had already begun to harden. I was so hurt and angry over the circumstances over which I had no control that I began to reject the spirit that had so bountifully fed me over my lifetime. I was bitter and could not understand why the Lord had placed me in a situation that was so blatantly unfair and nonspiritual. I was angry over who the brethren had placed as my leaders and what I considered to be their thoughtlessness, pride, and incompetence. I was also angry over my still suffering health conditions and the lack of relief that I felt I received from the Lord on this. It's hard when you go for so long trying to be so good and yet the results of those efforts seem to yield so little and most of the time you are suffering from physical and emotional pain. It's during times like these that you feel that your spirit is going to break and you feel like you are on the brink of falling into sin and despair. I know how that feels. I have been there. I can assure you that I haven't just skipped through life walking on rose petals and puffy white clouds.



When I came home I was definitely wounded but I hadn't been completely destroyed. There was still a belief in my heart and a hope that in time my experiences would come to make sense to me. I continued to attend church even though I was angry and little by little that anger began to abate. Healing did not come all at once for me and it took several years for me to completely heal the bitterness in my heart but it did finally come.



Had I decided to throw away my testimony because of what I had experienced I would still be bitter today, over twenty years later. I would still be harboring anger towards Heavenly Father and His church here on the earth. How can anyone truly be happy with anger festering? That's why Heavenly Father asks us to forgive and let Him be the judge. Though it may be extremely difficult to let go of our anger, we must do so. If we don't, we will never be able to experience the happiness the our Father desires that we experience here on earth. We will always be cankered and damaged inside. If we truly turn our anger over to God he will lift our burdens and heal us. That type of healing is priceless and allows us to experience the incredible joy and happiness that comes when we have companionship with the Holy Ghost.



I have noticed that the older I get and the more I learn about these things, the happier my life has become. I now have a life free of the bitterness that has threatened me in the past on more than one occasion. I am able to find true joy in my family and friends. I'm able to see my children grow beautiful and strong and my heart leaps when I see their progress. I am able to feel the spirit in my life and that has made my existence meaningful and enriched in every way. I can truly say that I am happy now. I don't envy what I don't have and I am grateful for all the incredible blessings I have received. Every day has become beautiful in its own way and I don't worry that Heavenly Father will leave me or that I will experience a trial that I can't handle. I have truly been changed inside and I look for the good now.



In conclusion I say this: If you are at a place where I was and you feel that your heart will break or that you no longer need the Lord because you are so smart and don't need him, I implore you. Think again. You have no idea what you will be missing if you choose to ignore the spirit. There is nothing you can do to make up in any way what the Lord has prepared for you. You cannot make it up with anything of this world and you will always be searching for satisfaction and you will never completely have it. You may become rich or famous or distinguished, but I will never envy you because I have been where you are in your mind and I have thought about what you are thinking about. I know and have tasted what the Lord has prepared for you and me and I will never give it up now. I hope you won't either. It's my hope that you and I continue together as friends and brothers and sisters in the gospel and experience together the incredible blessings that our mutual Father has for us.



Sincerely,



Your Friend and Brother

Part 3: Conversion

"Oh that I were an angel, and could have the wish of mine heart, that I might go forth and speak with the trump of God, with a voice to shake the earth, and cry repentance unto every people!

Yea, I would declare unto every soul, as with the voice of thunder, repentance and the plan of redemption, that they should repent and come unto our God, that there might not be more sorrow upon all the face of the earth."

Alma 29: 1-2

This scripture describes the feelings that reside in me and have been there since my early childhood. I don't share this information with you to pat myself on the back or to exalt myself. I know I'm not perfect. I can say, however, that I am a work in progress and I've come a long way and am still climbing. I don't give up. I'll give myself that much credit.

I share this scripture with you so that I can tell you this story. This is the story of true conversion. This is the story of how my best friend Kent Richards came to hear and accept the gospel of Jesus Christ when he was 11 years old.

As you can surmise from previous posts, Kent and I had many adventures together back in Fairfield, Ohio in the 70s. In some ways it was an idyllic time for us. We were very young and our minds were open. We could learn new things. We could accept new truths. The spirit could communicate with us because we were pure hearted boys. We hadn't corrupted ourselves and

weren't shackled down by dogmas or societal prejudices.

That's what it was like when I started to tell Kent what I knew about the gospel. It started slowly at first between football games and army battles. Between dirt clod fights and expeditions I began to open my mouth and it was filled with words. Words about an ancient people that lived in the Americas. Words about how God had led them here and how they believed in Christ, the Messiah, even though they were Jews that had escaped from destruction in Jerusalem 600 years before He was born. I talked about how this group split into two, one that consisted of believers and the other that rejected that belief. I talked about how Christ had come to visit them after his resurrection. I spoke about these things like I knew them, almost like I had been a witness to the events themselves.

I spoke to him about a young 14 year old farm boy in New York named Joseph that lived back in the 1800s and how he had been searching to know which church he should join. I spoke about the miraculous appearance of God the Father himself, and his son Jesus Christ to this young man, how they told him to join none of them. I rehearsed to Kent all about how Joseph was led by an angel to some gold plates which he later translated in to the Book of Mormon which contained the story about that group of Jews from Jerusalem that came to the Americas.

Later on I told Kent about things like the Word of Wisdom, which urges people not to drink alcohol, use tobacco, or consume hot drinks ie. coffee and tea etc.

The interesting thing about Kent was that he never challenged my words. He just listened and asked a few clarifying questions here and there. The more I spoke, the more he listened. He seemed to take it all in like he had heard it before, like it all made sense. He didn't seem to grow tired of listening to my stories of the Book of Mormon, nor my invitations for him to pray about what I said and to be baptized if he learned it was true. I remember that I often spoke with him about these things and I had no doubt that what I was telling him was true.

When I look back on it now I realize, Kent and I had been given some spiritual gifts:

"To some it is given by the Holy Ghost to know that Jesus Christ is the Son of God, and that he was crucified for the sins of the world.

To others it is given to believe on their words, that they also might have eternal life if they continue faithful."

D&C 46: 13-14

One fine day my parents received a knock on the door. My mother opened it and standing there was Jean Richards, Kent's mom. She introduced herself and explained that she had been talking to her oldest son. He had been saying some very peculiar things and she wanted some clarification. Apparently when offered a nice cold glass of Coca Cola Kent had refused. "Sorry Mom." he said. "When I grow up I think I'm going to be a Mormon, so I might as well stop drinking Coke now."

That was the beginning of a fabulous story that brought a beautiful young family into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. For the rest of the story, I invite Jean Richards to post the next edition of "Conversion" to tell from her perspective what transpired for the Richards family in the 70s in Fairfield, Ohio.

Click here to read Kent's version of the story written for the Friend magazine in 1977. It's called "Our Lives Changed."

Childhood Friends Part 2

There was a girl in my fifth grade class named Cathleen Holt. She had dark hair and blue eyes. I guess I must have liked her because she looked a little bit like my mother and I remember she was more quiet and soft spoken than a-lot of other kids. I don't remember much more about her personality. As I said before, it's been over 30 years. I do remember though that she did live in my neighborhood at the top of a hill next to an undeveloped area. Behind her house was wide open space with dirt bike trails that Kent and I used to use along with a-lot of other kids.

It was behind her house at dusk one night that I remember seeing UFOs. I don't know if Kent remembers this but I do. We were at the top of the hill looking down on to the trails right as the sun was going down when I glimpsed at the top of my line of vision two or three flying saucers. During that time in the seventies, everyone was talking about UFOs. There were articles about them in the newspaper and everyone was all a buzz with conversations about aliens and unidentified spacecraft. These UFOs had red lights all around them and they were flying low below the clouds. As I look back now, of course they were just some aircraft shuttling around in our area, but with the effect of the sun setting and the long shadows being cast out on the ground and with everyone talking about flying saucers, I couldn't help but imagine them as alien spaceships. It was exciting to think about and I told Kent so. That was right before we both had to head home on our bikes for dinner.

Later that year, during the winter, Kent and I headed back up to the area around Cathleen Holt's house. This time we had a plan, a different mission if you will. I remember it was cold outside and there was snow on the ground. The plan was that Kent was going to walk up to Cathleen's house and knock on the door. I was going to wait furtively behind a bush about a block away. His mission was to make contact with Cathleen and ask her if she liked me after which he was to disengage from her and return immediately and inform me of the results of the said conversation.

As I peered from behind the bush I observed Kent approach and knock on the door. Amazingly enough it was Cathleen that answered. She poked her head out but kept the rest of her body safe behind the half opened door. I couldn't hear what they said but I distinctly remember that she moved her head up and down twice. I felt hope come alive as I witnessed this and impatiently waited for Kent's return in order to obtain verbal confirmation of what I thought her response was.

"She said she likes you." he said.

"Are you serious?"

"Yes, that's what she said."

"Oh, wow!"

That was just beyond belief for me. Victory was mine, my friends. I had triumphed. Now I could go back to school with confidence. Even though Cathleen and I barely spoke to each other, I knew that she liked me. I also knew that she knew that I liked her. And I knew that she knew that I knew that she liked me. In other words, there was a-lot of knowing going on and she and I were in the know together. I could continue to admire her from afar and not talk with her and she could do the same for me. We could keep looking at each other when the other was not looking, stolen looks at various moments during the day. It was a perfect arrangement of unspoken knowing and liking. What could be better for a fifth grader? Please tell me, my friends, if you know.

I had the chance later to help Kent on one of his romantic escapades. He and I sallied forth shirtless one warm summer day (shirtless because we thought we were studs). We crossed the creek behind Denise Hawkin's house and climbed uphill through some woods where we played army. This was Jenny Lewis' neighborhood. Kent had been smitten with this girl for several months. She also was in his class at school. Interestingly, Jenny had light brown hair, a slim frame, and green eyes. She reminded me a little bit of Kent's mom, Jean, which probably goes to reason.

I remember that Kent was bold and determined to approach Jenny himself. There was to be no intermediary used this time. He would move forward and acquit himself in a manly way and ask her if she liked him. For my part I would provide moral support. Win or lose I would be there for my friend. The stakes were high. Within moments Kent could come away with the thrill of victory or the agony of defeat. I bid farewell and good luck to my friend and watched him as he approached Jenny's house. I hung out in a half constructed home next door which there were many of at the time.

A few minutes passed and I watched as my friend returned. I could not immediately discern from his demeanor the results of the encounter.

"What happened? What did she say?" I inquired with bated breath.

"Well. She doesn't like me."

"What?! She doesn't like you?"

"No, she doesn't. "

"Well, why not?"

"She called me an a------."

"She called you an a------?! I can't believe it! I just can't believe it!

"Well it's true."

I tried my best to console my comrade at that moment. It was a difficult time for him I know. Sometimes you have to roll the dice and see what happens in life. Sometimes the roll of that dice just wreaks to high heaven. That's just the way it is and we learn to live with it. "She wasn't worth it anyway." I told him. "No way! You can do better."

Fortunately Kent rebounded quickly. In a week or so he was no worse for the wear. I found out later that while he and I we were out playing in large cement tubes to be placed in the ground around our subdivision that he sneaked a kiss from Kim Brinker while I wasn't looking. I guess you could say that my friend was bold indeed. He siezed life by the horns.

Carpe Diem Kent! Carpe Diem!